Papa Katchet is the father of all Katchets, the first from the mould, the original orange wedge whom many people initially looked at with curiosity and fear. Which was not surprising since he could walk and talk. Discriminated against from a young age ‘Papa’ had to get used to the vicious name calling. ‘Carrot top’, ‘Duracell’, ‘Irn Bru’ or my favorite, ‘Annie’ (I like the movie).

 But to Annie, sorry I mean ‘Papa’, it was water of a plastic back and he went on to show the doubters just how much of an orange bit of plastic he was. Having now worked with all the best teams in the world and a quite a few of the worst as well, ‘Papa’ is on first name terms with the likes of ‘Buck’, ‘Flower’, ‘Youngy’, ‘Steindo’ and George. 

 These are his rambling and ridiculous observations.

When I woke this morning I remembered why my mini-bar had been locked. Nothing to do with being late for training, it had been earlier locked to keep me away from snacks within. I am intolerant to nuts you see, particularly KP’s nuts *.

Nothing an Irn Bru couldn’t cure though. As a tough Scotsboard no weasly, measly intolerance was going to slow me down.  If you are going to be the best you’ve got to stop the moaning, block out the pain and get on with things.

Anyway, after a couple of days in hospital I was more or less ready for action, however another day on the couch as well did me no harm.  After that I was raring to go, I spent the rest of the week with the England Women’s team at Kent and then Chelmsford for their T20 series against India.  They are doing really well at the moment and look the most professional of all the international teams going around. Which is not difficult really since they are the only team who get paid.

Everybody has been sticking up their hands and taking credit for helping them reach the top of the tree and it has been disappointing to see some folk take the plaudits for others work. The Coaches, administrators, physios, even the players have taken credit. I know the truth but it never looks good to blow one’s own trumpet. Modesty is an admirable quality and I think it is better to let others do the talking for you. But failing anybody else saying anything their success had a lot to do with me.

It was great to be back with the women and the welcome they gave me when I arrived in the dressing room made me feel very special.  The screaming was deafening ** and the bouquet of flowers were beautiful but why the card had ‘well played Charlotte’ written on it I have no idea.

The one disappointing thing is the lack of skirts within the women’s game these days. Many people would say this is the 21st century and such comments are sexist. Others say that long trousers are important for performance, especially fielding were sliding and diving on abrasive surfaces is common place. But this is all poppycock I think everyone should wear skirts, except men of course.

To back up my thought I go back to the late 20th century and the expression ‘sex sells’. Cricket has had ingenious ideas in the past to monetize and take advantage of the players’ athletic good looks. In the 90’s the Victoria Bushrangers in Australia sexed up the men’s team, to bring in the crowds. They did this by making the players wear shorts during their one-day games and cricket was better for it. The sight of Merv Hughes’s knobbly Knees and Darren Lehman’s hairy pins, I was told, were a fabulous addition to a day at the cricket and I can’t for the life of me imagine why the idea was not rolled out around the world to pull in the public.

Cricket wise it was a good week for England; first the women did the double over India and then the men knocked over Australia at Lords for the first time in 15 years.

The victory was mostly due to man of the match Eoin Morgan***. It is great to see him back to form, he had a torrid winter in Dubai, dropped for the tests in Sri Lanka and not selected for one of the IPL games. As is the way when things are not going well everyone from colleagues and coaches all the way down to the media were giving him advice for an instant fix.  But players should always ignore this, look within themselves, work it out and have belief and they will come out the other side.  I still think he needs to change his grip though.

*Again a reference to a tasty salty snack and nothing to do with Kevin Pietersen

**Why is it that communal showers echo so much?

***Pronounced Ian, or maybe it’s Owen, or is it Oyne, no definitely Ian.

Papa Katchet is the father of all Katchets, the first from the mould, the original orange wedge whom many people initially looked at with curiosity and fear. Discriminated against from a young age ‘Papa’ had to get used to the vicious name calling. ‘Carrot top’, ‘Duracell’, ‘Irn Bru’ or my favorite, ‘Annie’ (I like the movie).

But to ‘Papa’ it was water of a plastic back and he went on to show the doubters just how much of an orange bit of plastic he was. Having now worked with all the best teams in the world and a quite a few of the worst as well, ‘Papa’ is on first name terms with the likes of ‘Buck’, ‘Flower’, ‘Youngy’, ‘Steindo’ and George. 
These are his rambling and ridiculous observations.

After the furor died down over my big money transfer last week (my mother would just not stop ringing). It was down to business as usual and the reason I am here, to make England Cricket the best. It is a lot of hard work being a professional cricketer. The public only sees the performance on the day of a game but the hard yards that go on the training ground are a wonder of dedication and commitment, a necessity for staying at the top of the game and being No 1.  The early morning runs, mornings in the nets, afternoons in the gym, evenings and nights with the KATCHET. As a result the players have little time for anything else in their lives.

Added to that with the team only having 4 days to prepare from moving from Test Cricket into a period of playing the one day pyjama stuff it is a busy time honing the different skills required. The test finished on Monday and after 3 days of sitting around, watching the rain, twiddling thumbs and counting our well earned match fees it was nice to have some days off on Tuesday and Wednesday but it was great to get into competitive action on Thursday with a round of golf with the guys. Trotty and Belly fancy themselves as golfers and Swanny just plain fancies himself but despite there misplaced self-confidence it was only by a miracle and a vicious cross-wind which seemed to affect only my shots that they snuck past me by ten shots. To be fair to them they did not gloat, the wedgie and loser scrolled across my forehead just mere high jinx. In fact though we had training to go to the lads spent the rest of the afternoon helping me with my approach play.  Teamwork and dedication is why England is No 1.

Once we made it to training, fashionably late, the coaching team were fuming and in the mood to punish us. Locking the mini bar was one thing but the extra catching practice was just plain mean.  There is a strict code within the team that what happens in the dressing room stays there and we all stick together no matter what. Due to the days events a few of the guys are thinking of quitting and there was mention that Flower is a pansy. This strict team code means I can’t say who said this *. Not that it matters as Flower is a pansy, even I know that and what do I know about interesting flora and fungi.

As far as the cricket went we won the first two one-dayers against West Indies quite comfortably. Hundreds from first Belly and then Cookie supporting yet more fantastic bowling from the ‘ Bowling Unit’, which I like to call them, saw us through and will give us confidence going into the Aussie series.

It was all the more satisfying winning without KP ** in the team. The big man decided to quit one day and T20 international cricket as he wanted to preserve himself long term for the Test arena. We all had to respect that decision. He was obviously doing it in the best interests of the team so he could give his all for England in the most important form of the game, how everybody can’t see that is beyond me. The fact it clears him to play in the IPL and pick up a cool $2 million for a months work is beside the point and had no influence on his decision.

After a hard few days playing golf and getting balls thrown at me I had a long ice bath to soothe my bruised ribs and then it was back to the hotel where I managed to break into my mini bar for a packet of KP Nuts ***. Not my favorite kettle of bananas but failing the presence of anything Orange it did the job.

The third and final one day game against West Indies was another washout, another day being used as an umbrella and another day for the players counting their match fee. Well played England and Lets hope the summer starts soon.

*It was Swanny

**Kevin Pieterson

***A well-known tasty light snack, not a statement of fact about Kevin Pieterson.

Where I be this week  is with the West Indies. Their coach Toby ‘Radical’ Radford wanted me to come along to Edgbaston for the third test and do some work with their slip fielders. I was impressed with their determination to set the record straight for the last test but personally I don’t think their catching is the problem.

Always happy to oblige but with three days of the test lost to rain I spent more time used as an umbrella to protect  Narine’s haircut from the rain. He told me his Mohican thing was in inspired by my ribbed design. I was deeply flattered  and told him all the UK girls would be swooning over him. I think I lied quite convincingly, I think he looks ridiculous and if any female likes that haircut then they can only come from Glasgow !

But I did get some wok done with the keeper Ramdin, nothing to do with his catching up to the stumps, which has been exceptional. I told him what would be a great idea would be to send a reply to Sir Viv’s comments in the media that he was not performing. Ramdin said to me he would rather post a letter or speak to him in person in a responsible and mature manner, but what is funny about that. Why waste the cost of a stamp with all those TV cameras around I told him. Thankfully he saw sense.

Dressing rooms are difficult places to be when you are losing and if you can’t have a laugh to release the tension then I think performances will suffer. Ramdin went out of his way to give the team a laugh and we appreciated it.

On another laugh It was good to see Tino Best back in a West Indies shirt, we need characters in the game, even Tino ! He thrives on confidence and his belief that he is the quickest bowler in the world and it is our job in the changing room to tell him how quick he is bowling to boost his sometimes fragile self-confidence!

With Broady and Ando being rested by the England team it made my job easier to convince him he was the second fastest man playing in the game after Finny Steve ! I think he felt better after I told him that.

Anyway onwards and upwards England asked me to come onboard for the one day series coming up. But I am with West Indies just now and loyalty means a lot to me. The thought of jumping ship to the opposition makes me feel physically sick.  But nothing a £50 backhander and a packet of cheesy Wotsits didn’t cure.

Come on England !!